the great Christmas/exam horoscope


The Christmas exams are coming closer and although the weather is growing exceedingly colder, many of you have cold sweat dripping from your backs. But don't panic just yet! Because dwars has been reading the position of the stars and the planets and can tell you exactly how you are handling these stressful days, and how you should handle them. 

Aquarius  ♒

You are too good to be true Aquarius. Once again, you devote your Christmas vacation to volunteering for the refugees. You are so kindhearted and loyal, we could almost forget that you do all this to avoid your schoolwork. I am not saying that you're not doing the right thing, but maybe you should try to avoid your schoolwork in your spare time. Just a suggestion.


Powersong: Michael Jackson – Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough


Pisces  ♓

You are fiercely searching for a Christmas date to show of to your family. No annoying drunk uncle questions for you this year! The only problem is, everyone you ask to join your Christmas celebrations are instantly weirded out. How can you expect someone you barely know to meet your entire family? Getting drunk on glühwein and facing the embarrassing love life questions seems to be the only option here. Better luck next time Pisces!


Powersong: Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag


Aries  ♈

What is up with you, Aries? Your mind seems to be anywhere but on the exams. We know, these awful days are the best to start a new hobby, like winter bird spotting or knitting, but remember: that self-knit scarf and winter bird photo book will be of no use when you have to redo your exams in august. So get your ass back to those books! Faster!!


Powersong: Kesha – TiK ToK


Taurus  ♉

You have it all under control, don't you Taurus? By selling your summaries to your fellow students, you've earned enough money to book a flight to the United Stated of America. F*ck school, you are going to start a new life in a new country, making money by selling expensive coffee to hipsters in Manhattan. Good luck!


Powersong: Miley Cyrus – Party in the USA


Gemini  ♊

You are torn between acing those exams and quitting school to become a prostitute. Don't. Quit. School. Being a prostitute is really hard work. You have to be in shape and look good and stuff, you can't do that! You are a useless couch potato. So at least try to be a smart potato. You owe your parents that much.


Powersong: George Michael – Careless Whisper


Cancer  ♋

You are flourishing these days cancer! Surrounded by your family and the Christmas spirit, you feel like a (shell)fish in the water! You love traditions and will evidently be disappointed when you discover that your parents have replaced the annual Christmas tree with an avant-garde Christmas light show. I feel for you.


Powersong: Wham! – Last Christmas


Leo  ♌

The planets tell me that a lot of people care about you. You might feel like you are all alone at this moment, Leo, but you're not. Trust your friends and family, they are there for you if you need them. And don't sweat those exams, you can always try again in August. It may not look like it, but someday everything will be alright.


Powersong: The Jonas Brothers – The Year 3000


Virgo  ♍

Now is not the time to get your freak on Virgo! Don't listen to Missy Elliot, that women did not have exams, trust me. But you do! So quit spending all your precious time on Tinder and try dating your books for a month. Much more interesting and you won't regret going to bed with either of them. Or at least they won't give you an STD, like that guy who keeps talking about his ex-girlfriend and how she can bend her legs behind her head will. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Powersong: Snoop Dogg, Wiz Khalifa, Bruno Mars – Young, Wild & Free


Libra  ♎

You do your name great honor, Libra, because you are balanced in any way possible. Stress doesn't seem to affect you, you have your work under control, you keep your friends and family close and your love life is booming! But, beware not to lose your head, because having everything under control can ask a lot of energy. You can let go and loosen up!


Powersong: Crazytown – Butterfly


Scorpio  ♏

You are pretty confident this month Scorpio, but I wouldn't be so sure of myself if I were you. While everyone else has relentlessly been occupying the university library, you have been making conversation with JP from across the road. And although that man can guarantee you a good day, he can't guarantee you good grades. But you know, you do you. If you think you're going to get there by eating apple cake and receiving compliments, I won't push you.


Powersong: Flo Rida – Low


Sagittarius  ♐

You've been watching the position of the stars for days now, but do you really think they will help you? Wishing on stars is a little too late, I'm afraid. Pretending that airplanes are like shooting stars is even bigger bullshit. What are you thinking Sagittarius? Just accept the fact that good grades won't come falling out of the sky and maybe study once in a while. And if that doesn't work, you can always take a walk outside and search for a four leave clover. Because everybody knows that that is the only good luck charm that actually works. Duh!


Powersong: B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams – Airplanes


Capricorn  ♑

You have been studying for a while now Capricorn, but you still don't seem to be sure of yourself. Why not? Don't doubt yourself! You are capable of everything you put your mind to. Just keep up the good work, don't let your head down and crush it! I believe in you!


Powersong: Smash Mouth – All Star